- Not another one. - I'm afraid so, sir.
[Men Groaning]
Lieutenant, your face is greener than your fatigues.
Why don't you park it for a bit?
Oh, yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Come on, Rizzo. I'll steer. You just move your feet.
Oh, Colonel, you know how you feel...
after you've been out all weekend...
drinking cheap booze and eating chili dogs?
- Yeah. - I wish I felt that good.
You just hang on to the bunk. I'll get something...
that'll put you and your stomach back on speaking terms.
I can take the truth, sir. What is it?
Rabies? Was I bit by a rat?
No, it isn't rabies. We just got the lab report.
- Looks like salmonella. - Sam and Ella? Who are they?
Rizzo, you're sicker than I thought. Get some rest.
- [Man Groaning] - Colonel, what's happened here?
- Morning, Padre. - You said we were in for a quiet Thanksgiving...
or I never would've gone to the orphanage.
Put him over there. These are our own people, not casualties, Father.
Let me have your attention for a minute.
Is there anyone here who did not have some of the turkey last night?
[All Groaning]
Well, folks, looks like we were bitten by the bird that fed us.
I'm afraid we're in for a siege.
You mean Klinger poisoned us with his Thanksgiving surprise?
- Looks that way. - I hope I live...
just so I can kill Klinger.
This is the first time I can recall giving thanks for missing Thanksgiving.
- Aren't the others back yet? - No. I'm alone.
I feel like Snow White with a house full of sick dwarfs.
- Perhaps I could be of help. - You bet your bottom collar you can.
- Pick a patient, any patient. - Good.
Colonel, Colonel! Good news...
[Men Groaning]
- Assassin! - What'd I do?
You poisoned us with your turkey, buzzard beak!
What's that supposed to mean, sir?
It turned out your turkeys gave everybody the trots.
My turkeys were first-class birds. Genuine army issue.
Sure. War surplus.
They came straight from Sergeant Thomopoulous at "l" Corps Quartermaster.
And if anybody knows turkeys, it's Thomopoulous.
This was one of my biggest deals.
You had to go to Thomopoulous, didn't you?
I could've got us good turkeys from a crook you could trust.
Colonel, it couldn't have been the turkey that caused all this.
Really? Why?
We ate it too. Need I say more?
- Did you reach the doctors? - Yes and no.
I missed Majors Houlihan and Winchester at the 8063rd.
- They should be here in an hour or so. - That'll help.
But I contacted Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt at the Kansong Battalion Aid.
Can they get their hands on the antibiotics we need?
Yeah, but it'll be three or four hours till they get here.
Well, have to do. Oh, uh, by the way, Klinger...
for Christmas, we eat out.
[Hawkeye] Will you slow down to the speed of sound? I can't hear myself scream.
[B. J.] Klinger said to hurry.
[Hawkeye] It's only 74 miles as the jeep flies.
Might be more than that. We're lost.
Lost? As in "Where the hell are we?"
We're not totally lost. We're still in Asia.
- You said this was a shortcut. - It is a shortcut!
- Look how fast we got lost. - You nerd! Go back!
- Back where? - Back where we weren't lost!
- Watch out.! - Hang on!
[Groans, Coughs]
- Are you okay? - Yeah. You?
I think so, yeah. But remind me to hang a sign on your next car:
- "Caution: Student Maniac." - I missed that wreck, didn't I?
Yeah, but you need a little practice on parallel parking.
Don't be silly. Give me a hand here, and we'll get this thing back on its feet.
- Are you sure you know what you're doing here? - No problem.
I saw some M.P. S do it once. We just have to get it rocking.
Push and rock back. Push and rock back.
Push! Push!
- Oh, my God! - [Screams]
Well, what are you waiting for? Get in.
- Very well. - [Men Groaning]
Feeling better, Rizzo?
Hey, Father, can I make a confession?
Certainly, Sergeant.
I murdered somebody... tomorrow.
Come on. I'm tryin' to help.
You wanna help? Die on your own.
Klinger, how are the belladonna and the paregoric holding up?
Getting pretty low, sir. Colonel, you better go lie down.
You're getting kind of blurry.
- Corpsman! - Yes, sir?
- Oh, right here, sir. - Here's a little poetic justice for you, Father.
Just put him in this bunk for a while.
Cover him up. Check his temp and pulse.
- Can you do that? - Just watch my smoke, Colonel.
- [Groaning] - Serves you right, you bum.
Okay, everybody, Klinger's got it.
[Cheering, Applause]
Well, Padre, looks like it's down to just you and...
[Gagging]
[Hawkeye] Well, Kemo Sabe, now what?
[B. J.] Keep your eyes and ears peeled, move along fast and keep low.
Good idea. This is the most ridiculous war I've ever seen.
- [Screams] - [Gasps]
- [Speaking Korean] - Don't shoot!
[Korean]
- What's goin' on here, Beej? - What are you askin' me for?
I think he's surrendering. Let's put our hands down.
Okay. You go first.
Thanks. How about if we just put one down?
Show some guts. Put 'em both down.
And if he doesn't shoot you, I'll put mine down.
If he does shoot you, I'll put yours up again.
Let's put 'em down together, okay?
- Okay. - Okay.
On the count of three.
One, two, three.
[Nervous Laughing]
Great moment in military history, Hawk. We've all captured each other.
The question is, what do we do with him?
I'm sorry. We're not in the capturing department.
That's on the third floor next to linens.
[Korean]
You just wait right here, and I'm sure there's gonna be a commando come along...
any minute now who'd love to take you home with him.
- Okay. Bye now. - Bye. See ya.
- [Screams] - No! Don't! Don't do that!
[Pleading In Korean]
- Very nice. Okay. - Well, we'll see you later. We've gotta move down the road.
- [Shouts] - Watch it! Watch it!
- Ah, okay. - Well, we'll see you around, okay? We're just gonna...
Hello, Colonel. [Groaning]
Majors, thank goodness you're back.
Pleasure to see someone who isn't squatting, doubled up or lying down.
Colonel, what's wrong? You look awful.
I'm glad you noticed. I'd hate to feel this rotten and have it be my little secret.
- What's wrong, sir? - Salmonella!
The whole camp's down with it.
Klinger got a Thanksgiving deal on some low-mileage... turkeys.
Colonel, with all due respect, any fool would know better than to actually eat gypsy poultry.
If there's one thing we don't need around here, Winchester, it's hindsight.
Now let's get to post-op. Pierce and Hunnicutt aren't back yet...
so Mulcahy's been doing a solo.
He'll be glad to hand over the reins.
- You look like you can use some rest, sir. - I'll be all right.
Colonel, I insist. You won't do any good if you make yourself weaker.
Major Houlihan, don't get your Irish up with me.
- We can handle it. - And we shall, Colonel...
just as soon as we've taken a little time to freshen up.
Uh, fine. You do that, Winchester...
and I'll have room service send you over a nice... turkey sandwich.
So, uh, you wanna move it now or move it later?
Oh, moving now, sir.
I'd love to give you a hand, Father.
Is it safe for me to come in there yet?
I'd say that's one vote no, Klinger.
If you need me, Father, I'll be under my bed.
Ah, the marines have landed!
Father, you look like you're pretty busy.
Oh, indeed.
But, Majors, I don't mind saying this is an exhilarating experience.
I've never felt more useful or needed.
Excuse me.
Apparently the good father's been most effective, Margaret.
What these, uh, people appear to need now is rest and attention.
In other words, nursing.
I'll just pop out for a quick shower and a short nap. Let me know if a doctor's needed.
Step one foot outside that door, buster, and you'll need a doctor!
There are bedpans to be cleaned, linen to be washed. Someone'll have to turn to in the kitchen.
- You can start with the linen. - Start what with the linen?
- Washing it! - Margaret, surely you... jest.
Okay, you can start with the bedpans and work your way up.
Absolutely not! Absolutely and unequivocally not!
Me wash and clean? I'm a doctor, not a woman!
Hey, Ralph, you still there?
- [Korean] - Ralph?
Kathy Harrison's kid brother.
Whenever we wanted to go for a walk or the movies...
there was little Ralphie tagging along.
Maybe if we give him a quarter, he'll go home.
That reminds me, I still owe that little bandit $300.25.
Pull over here. I think I see a parking place.
All right, now, Beej, we're gonna sit now.
Try not to get lost on the way down.
Hey, don't worry about it. I got us into this; I'll get us out.
[Groans]
I got a better idea.
I'm gonna try my road map.
This is this road right here.
You know? These are us.
I'm the tall one.
- Ah! - Hey!
I told you he'd understand.
Okay, we wanna go from here... to there.
MASH 4077, see?
Ah. [Korean]
I told you he'd know just exactly where to go.
It's hopeless. Let's just go.
Forget the map. You know how tough those things are to fold.
- [Shouts In Korean] - Huh? - Huh?
Uh, Beej, quick. Give him a quarter.
[Shouting In Korean]
Ralph, was it something we wrote?
- [Korean] - All right. Okay.
Oh, boy. I think we just got bigger problems than being lost.
- [Shouting In Korean] - Funny. All of a sudden I understand him perfectly.
Remember, only your name, rank and serial number.
- And if they ask nicely, MacArthur's home address. - [Shouts]
- Shh! - Shh.
[Speaking Korean]
- Hi, guys. Nice day. - How about those Dodgers, huh?
- [Shouts] - [Korean]
- [Continues In Korean] - The way I see it, they're talking about shooting us.
Ah, then that explains the guns.
My entire life just flashed before my eyes, and I don't like the ending.
That guy talkin' to Ralph looks mean.
You don't get that job because of a winning smile.
- [Korean] - [Laughing]
[Continues In Korean]
[Shouts In Korean]
Did what I think just happened happen?
I think Ralph just saved our necks.
[Chuckling] Oh, Ralphie, you sneaky devil.
When these arms come down, you're gonna get a great big hug.
The Bowery Boys are out of sight.
[Korean]
- This is fantastic! - This is dangerous. Let's get outta here.
#This is the way we wash our sheets #
#Wash our sheets, wash our sheets #
- ## [Whistling] - [Snickers]
# So early in the morning #
- Must you? - Oh, I'm only too happy to, Major.
There just nothing quite like the feeling of being needed, is there?
No.
This close to China, and I am doing laundry.
When I say I want clean sheets...
I want them clean, not battleship gray.
Major, I have slaved over this cesspool...
until my back aches and my hands...
my hands are prunes!
Please, Major, at a time like this, the less said about prunes...
Obviously, Major, I was not put upon this earth to scrub bed linens.
I hereby abdicate my tub and washboard.
That suits me fine, Mr. I'm-a-doctor, not-a-woman...
because there's a stack of bedpans outside of post-op with your name on 'em!
Hah! I'd sooner do the Lindy with Eleanor Roosevelt.
- Well, a-one and a-two... - Majors, please!
I'm up to my epaulets in sick people, and he whines about doing a little laundry.
Just a moment.
I am trying to remember that you are a woman...
and a fellow officer.
Don't patronize me, skinhead!
You're not in charge here, bimbo!
- Bimbo? - [Whistles]
Hold it. No offense, Majors, but we just can't afford to act like nincompoops.
There are sick people here, and the three of us are all we have.
You're absolutely right, Father. I'm sorry, Major.
- My apologies as well, Major. - Thank you, Major.
- You're welcome, Major. - What'll it be? Sheets or bedpans?
[Snorts]
# Here's the way we scrub our sheets #
# Scrub our sheets Scrub our sheets #
[Man Yelling In Korean]
- Let's get this off quick. - Ralph, give him a hand here.
- [Korean] - All right, easy. Put it down.
Just our luck... another foreigner.
- This place is loaded with 'em. - New rule.
From now on, no invading the country if you don't speak the language.
- Nothing seems to be broken. - [Korean]
Just relax, farmer. We'll have you back in the dell in no time.
Allow me to introduce ourselves. That's Ralph. I'm Pierce.
This is Hunnicutt. You probably know each other from driving school.
- I didn't get your name. - [Both Speaking Korean]
That's a little tough to remember. How about if we call you Fred for short?
Let's see if we can get him up and try it out. All right, sir?
- Put your weight on this one, all right? - Okay, here we go.
- Up you go. - [Screaming]
Okay, first thing is, Fred, you're out of today's game.
The second thing is we gotta get him home. That can't be far, can it?
- How do we do that? - Simple. I figure he'll be carried...
by all those who got us lost and walking.
Ah. My mother always told me never to pick up strangers.
Ohh! Now I know why.
[Snoring]
Winchester, you creep!
[Screams]
Do you see what I just did to that tent? Next it's gonna happen to you!
- You seem vexed. - Three seconds, mister.
If you're not hard at it in three seconds, you're gonna drown in rice gruel!
Uh, mistake, Margaret. A mistake. I swear it.
I was making the bed with those nice, clean sheets...
- One. - I slipped. I know from out there it must have looked...
- Two! - And I'm working. I'm working.
Looking for sick people. Anyone under there need a doctor?
How dare you!
- How dare you sleep while this whole camp is in bed! - [Stammering]
You sure he's not wearing spurs?
- [Chickens Clucking] - [B. J.] Hi.
[Shouts In Korean]
Must be Mrs. Fred. Hi, honey. We're home.
His wagon broke, and he took the 4:15 Hunnicutt.
[Shouting In Korean]
Easy. Easy. Here you go. Here you go, Fred.
- [B. J. Groaning] - [Korean]
What is this?
- [Laughing] - [Korean]
I told you I'd get us outta here.
Lost in the wilds of Korea, I lead you to Honest Fred's used motorcycle lot.
Vroom, vroom.
Now who are we gonna get to drive this thing?
Pierce, this is your lucky day.
You're looking at "Spokes" Hunnicutt...
Mill Valley's finest surviving motorcycle rider.
- Oh, yeah? - We got no problem. We got one problem.
[Korean]
Whoo! Whoo!
You wanna take a slug of this before you waste it all in there?
Uh-huh.
Ah, Fred, you're a very generous fellow.
- Here you go. - Okay, thank you, Ralph.
- Thank you, Fred. - [Korean]
- [Shouts] - What? What?
[Korean]
Of course you can come along.
Would Bob Hope and Bing Crosby leave without Dorothy Lamour?
We can't break up a set. Climb aboard.
- Yahoo! - Thank you.
Climb aboard, Ralph. Plenty of room.
Just you, me and El Destructo.
You can teach me the Korean word for... [Screams]
- [All Screaming] - Slower!
Ah, Colonel. Should you be up?
- How's it going, Padre? - Oh, couldn't be better, Colonel.
- Couldn't be better. - Indomitable. The man is indomitable.
- Am I gonna have to have a fight with you? - Oh, I hope not, Major.
Sir, you really ought to be in bed.
Major, believe me, I wouldn't be here if I couldn't handle it.
- Things have... stabilized. - Are you sure, sir?
- I wouldn't... - I'm fine.
Now, uh, any signs of septicemea or any other complications here?
No. Things seem to be in hand at the moment.
Well, then maybe you can take a break while I watch over the place for a bit.
If you insist, sir. You can check Igor for me.
By the way, uh, where's Winchester?
Well, he finished his rounds...
and now he's supposed to be putting clean sheets on all the bunks.
[Laughs] I'd like to see that myself.
Now then, son, feeling a little more fit, are ya?
- I've been better, sir. - The best way to beat this thing...
is just... put it out of your mind.
Get up on your feet as soon as you can.
You must be feeling a little better.
Except for my stomach, sir.
It's kind of like being on the ocean.
Up... and down...
and up... and down.
- Uh-huh. - And then it gets up into my head...
and starts spinning...
around and around, you know?
- Son, you don't have to... - About the only thing I can do...
- Private. - Sir?
Move over.
- [All Yelling] - Go away! The other way!
[Yelling Continues]
You brainless twits! Look what you've done to my laundry!
- Your laundry? - Get this filthy motorcycle off my sheets!
- [Korean] - Who is that man? What's he doing?
Shame on you, Charles.
You don't recognize the international signal for touchdown?
That man is a North Korean soldier.
Right, Charles. He came to pick up his laundry.
Good thing it was ready, or he'd have shot you.
- You're back.! - Did you bring the antibiotics?
- Margaret, did you miss me? - About time you two showed up. You stop off at the beach?
- [Korean] - Who's this?
- Ralph. - We've been going crazy here!
I don't know what all the fuss is about. I thought it was a piece of cake.
Don't say cake.
Well, you know us. Neither rain nor sleet nor snow nor broken jeep.
Nor kidnap nor surrender nor dark of lost...
The jabbering lamp is out, boys. Get over to post-op post haste.
You better come too, Charles. We'll need your expertise.
- Some of the patients might need fluffing and folding. - [Snickers]
- [Shouts] - Well, come on, Ralph.
We've come this far together. Don't be a stranger.
Besides, there's a whole ward full of people you haven't surrendered to yet.
[Panting] Sparky? Klinger. Klinger!
Listen. I know.
Hook me through to H.Q. Supply, will you?
And hurry!
Sparky, come on, pal!
Attaboy. H.Q. Supply?
Sergeant Thomopoulous, please.
Thomopoulous? Klinger.
You know that turkey you sold me?
Stuff it!